Drowning

Do you ever feel like the best way to describe your week is that your drowning? You have done your best to stay above water but no matter what you do it keeps sucking you under. Yeah that has been my week. I'm not sure what the deal is. All week I just have been struggling with feeling so overwhelmingly sad that I just randomly break down and cry (it's happend while sitting at my desk at work, that is fun to explain to a co-worker.) Usually when I feel like this I can give myself a pep talk and I snap out of it pretty fast. Not this time. It just keeps looming over my head like an annoying bug. I can't really place what is upsetting me the most either...weird huh?
My Jonah blog was theraputic to write so I was thinking maybe if I sat down and wrote about the feelings I'm having I'll get some clarity as to what was going on. I cried all the way to work today. I hung out with some of my best most awesome friends last night and it got me sad of course thinking about moving and leaving them. 1 of my best friends already lives in California but it's still sad knowing I won't be here next time he comes and visits. I almost feel like I seem un grateful or un appreciative of the things I have here. Am I really willing to leave behind so many blessings that I have? People tell me all the time how blessed I am to have the friends I do, I KNOW this! Am I crazy for quitting a job that yes, I don't like, but that pays really well and truly isn't as bad as I have made it out to be? Am I nuts for moving out of a house that has been beyond perfect in a million ways? I don't even know my sister and I'm moving to live in a small town to get to know her better? Welcome to my brain...it's a scray place.

Driving to work today I think I figured out one of the biggest things that has me so emotional. I am a pretty insecure person, I have come along way, I used to think I was just completely worthless and now I think I'm pretty awesome. But, I still have fears that creep in. I'm worried about making friends and being lonely. I'm pretty good at not feeling lonley or bored here, I can usually find someone to hang out with or something to do to keep my mind busy. But once I arrive in Oregon that is all gonna change. I'm gonna have to put myself out there in ways I have never done before. The shy side of Louie is in for a real shock I'm afraid. I worry people won't like me, or they will find me annoying or whatever. Yes that is pretty 14 of me but it's the truth. I know this move has a lot of good things in store for me, but right now all the excited feelings are gone and just this looming sadness has set in. I know it will change and I know He has it all figured out. I just wish my emotional side would get on bored with knowing that.

Jonah

I really like Jonah. I feel like he is a realistic bible character. I don't know how many times God has told me to do something and I say "no!" and run in the other direction. And just like Jonah God has to put me through some semi un pleasant stuff to get back on the path he originally intended for me. When I was in bible school there were times I would REALLY not want to go to a meeting or a church service and my roommate Cassie would always call me "Jonah". I would always end up going to the meeting and of course they would be awesome and I would leave crying and totally feeling like that was right where I needed to be.
Well, I woke up having a major Jonah moment today. I woke up and realized I don't want to move to Oregon anymore. I have freaked myself about finances and making friends and driving my sister crazy...the list goes on! But as I was driving to work I just had to remind myself about my Jonah moments. Always when I freak out and don't want to do something but I suck it up and do it anyways cause I know I'm supposed to, it ALWAYS turns out better then I expected. So I'm moving. Ha! Even if the easier thing is to stay here. I gotta take the leap and avoid the whale at all costs :)

Friendships

11 “When Job's three friends, Eliphaz the Temanite, Bildad the Shuhite and Zophar the Naamathite, heard about all the troubles that had come upon him, they set out from their homes and met together by agreement to go and sympathize with him and comfort him. 12 When they saw him from a distance, they could hardly recognize him; they began to weep aloud, and they tore their robes and sprinkled dust on their heads. 13 Then they sat on the ground with him for seven days and seven nights. No one said a word to him, because they saw how great his suffering was.” Job 2:11-13


Friendships mean the world to me! I am not close with my family and so what I have as “family” is my friends. I spend holiday’s with friends, birthday’s, you name it. I’m so grateful that my friends families allow me to spend so much time with them. I put a lot of work in to my friendships.
I had a dinner party a few weeks back and there was one point when I looked around the table and said to myself “all 5 of these ladies could call me their best friend and I could call them mine.” The problem with being how I am is that I put a lot of work and time in to my relationships. And sometimes (most times) that effort is not returned. This is something I have had to come to terms with. Being a single girl I have the time. I don’t have a million commitments with family or husbands or boyfriends. It’s just me. I can go where I want when I want. So this leaves me the time to put the effort into my friendships. It took me a long time to see this and not get upset with my friends for not having time for me.
I think we all are guilty of this. Friends should be friends no matter what. Yes, it’s nice to have friends that are in your exact situation. Single, married, kids, no kids, tall, short..the list could go on. Job’s friends didn’t go to him cause they were all the same, they went to morn with him cause they were his friends and loved him.
Friends are there for each other no matter what. I know lately I have whined about not having single friends. And for that I am sorry. I don’t want to sound un grateful or un appreciative of the friends I have. So I may not be able to relate to my mom friends, or married friends, but they are still my friends. I would do anything for them. I want to be like Job’s friends and drop everything I was doing to go comfort my friend.