Along For the Ride

So today has been the hardest day so far. I have managed to cry almost all day. The weird thing is it isn't cause I'm homesick or cause I feel lonely. It's more just....well that's it...I don't really know why. Sure I'm probably homesick and feeling kind of lonely but I think it's more the stress. The stress of not having a job yet or having any friends. I knew moving here that it would be hard to find a job but I guess I didn't think it was gonna be THIS hard. I apply for jobs everyday and don't hear anything back...no emails no phone calls...nada. It starts to get super frustrating!! My sister has blessed me beyond belief with a job and that is now winding down...so I'm starting to feel the pressure of needing a job ASAP.

I keep letting my mind wonder into the idea of if I don't get a job in 2 months I will most likely have to go home. Would that be so bad? Yes it would. I like it here and I don't want to "fail" and have to go back and live with my dad and still not have a job. That just sounds more depressing. (Don't get me wrong I'm so blessed that I have a place I can go back to) but I feel like I moved here for a reason. And maybe that reason was to move here and know that I did it. But I think there is more to it.

I'm experiencing one of the biggest faith tests I may have ever had. I literally have no other choice then to trust God has got a job/plan for me while I'm here. It's a daily battle to remind myself to trust Him instead of freak out! Stress gets you no where. That won't help my situation at all.

I have managed to make one friend. But I don't know how to pronounce her name. How pathetic is that?! We have seen each other several times now so I can't really be like "I'm sorry...what is your name?!"...I'm hoping someone will say it and then I'll know :) I have picked a church and that is great! However, looks like I'm gonna have to work Sunday's so I'll only be able to go for worship but I'm looking forward to it :)

I tried to not put expectations on my adventure and I think I put way more on then I thought. I think I'm pressuring myself too much in the friend department. I have only been here 6 weeks and constantly I am giving myself crap that I haven't met anyone new or I haven't put myself out there enough. While all this might be true I realized tonight as I sat in a park watching the sun go down that I should really enjoy this alone time. Yes I have LOTS of alone time...sometimes I feel like too much. I should enjoy it. Who knows when I'll get it again and it's a good time to clear my head and really get to spend quality time with the Lord. So I guess it's a blessing in disguise :)

Being around my family has been great. Semi strange but in a good way. I know it's weird to some people that my sister and I are sisters but we don't know each other. I was young when she moved out of the house and with having different Dad's we were not around each other as much as normal sisters. They have been so nice and they invite me over for dinner all the time which is more then I could ask. I feel like I should be helping them more but they are so darn organized and happy I don't know how I can help them. haha! I'm hoping that my relationship with them will just grow as we get to know each other and that we will still like each other once we do!

So as I told myself and the Lord tonight in the park "I'm just along for the ride". I truly have no idea what to expect in the next few months...but only time will tell and only God knows....

Overload of New

I'm going on three weeks now of being in Oregon. I guess you could say reality is starting to hit. Everyone said that I was going to have "what have I done?!" moments...and they were right. I don't regret moving and I am very happy here. I think it's still just all the un knowns I face. I REALLY need a job. My job at my sisters store is coming to an end and I need something else soon. I'm doing all that I know to do to find a job and I know this is just a massive practical test in trust and faith. It's funny how you can tell people to just have faith and trust that God is gonna provide your needs. But until you are really in the situation yourself you don't fully understand just how hard it can be. I'm not allowing myself to stress about it all. I know it's gonna work out and I know God has got a plan for me. :)

I had coffee with a new friend today and it was awesome. She and I have a lot of things in common and it was just so nice to sit and talk with a stranger and just get to know each other. People say to me all the time that now that I moved I can be whoever I want to be, but I just want to be ME! I feel like I have been put into a certain mold back home and now I'm somewhere that no one knows me, no one knows about my bubble, or that I don't want to have kids, or that I hate spiders. These are all things that I can share with people because I choose too...not things that have come to define me. Does that make sense?

It's amazing to me how I went from totally comfortable, predictable life to....completely un comfortable un predictable life. But I'm just enjoying the experience and the challenge of putting myself out there to meet new people. It's been a challenge so far but I'm up for it! And still excited to see what happens next.