My Journey

So...this is a big step for me. I NEVER like to discuss my weight or the issues I have had with it. But I'm currently on a journey (totally stole that word from the biggest loser). I have tried every diet under the sun and every form of exercise known to man and eventually I quit them all. But here is the kicker...I'm really un happy with my physical appearance and how out of shape I am. I don't think I have ever actually liked looking in the mirror and I never used to enjoy who I was...it used to be REALLY bad and I would get quite depressed about it so I have come along way and feel like I have made every step towards liking who I am...except in the physical area. Like I said before I have tried to lose weight more times then I care to admit but the one thing I have never done is discuss it. I have never declared to the world or even my friends that I have a problem and that it needs to be fixed.

It's almost like having a disease no one knows about. It's an all consuming disease. I go to sleep thinking about it, I wake up thinking about it. I'm so sensitive to what people are thinking about me...I used to not be able to eat in front of people because I thought they were thinking "she really shouldn't be eating that" or a whole other list of things...I hate it. And what I hate most is the fact that the only thing standing in the way of changing it is ME. How's that for frustrating? I can't blame anyone else for me being overweight.

While I was home the most important person in my life had a sort of intervention. My Dad bless him, brought up the fact that he was worried about my weight and how if I don't do something about it I could wind up with some serious health problems. Let's just say...that was not easy to hear and I didn't take it well. It was like taking a spotlight and shinning it on my biggest insecurity...the one thing that I try to hide and not deal with. But after what he said I got to thinking...now is the time. I have no excuses.

I knew when I moved here it was my chance to break a lot of my bad habits that I had made in the food area. I did break them...but then I made a whole new list of bad ones. Haha! I know that it's not too late and I can still make a new lifestyle for myself.
I guess the point of me writing this is to declare to the world that I'm doing this. That if by telling you all that I'm starting this journey, for real this time, that in some way you can keep me accountable. It's one thing to let myself down but a whole other to let all of you down.

Fitting in

Do you ever feel like you don’t have a place in this world? Like the world you left behind doesn’t fit anymore and you have yet to find your place in the world you are currently living? That is how I feel. Going home for Christmas was wonderful. But at the same time kind of sad. All the reasons I moved were still present. It was great to see everyone but I could just tell that I don’t belong there anymore. That is kind of a hard realization. But at the same time still a good one. I would be lying if I didn’t admit that I’m defiantly feeling homesick and borderline lonely. I truly love living in this town…I just wish I could find my place here. Money issues and the lack of a social life are starting to take it’s toll on my nerves but someone had a status on facebook the other day that said “you insult God by worrying” (it was something like that)… I have had to repeat that in my head over and over lately.

There is a great deal of peace in the fact that I know this is where I’m supposed to be. Maybe I’m just being hard on myself? I have only been here 5 months and have managed to make a few friends J I don’t know…I just had some thoughts running through my head and it always helps to blog them out J “this is just a season you have to go thru” is what I told myself walking home tonight. I guess I should listen to myself and just take it one day at a time. Not really sure what else to say but if anyone has an encouraging words I would love to hear them right about now....I'll make sure to grab a kleenex before I read them...:)