Along For the Ride

So today has been the hardest day so far. I have managed to cry almost all day. The weird thing is it isn't cause I'm homesick or cause I feel lonely. It's more just....well that's it...I don't really know why. Sure I'm probably homesick and feeling kind of lonely but I think it's more the stress. The stress of not having a job yet or having any friends. I knew moving here that it would be hard to find a job but I guess I didn't think it was gonna be THIS hard. I apply for jobs everyday and don't hear anything back...no emails no phone calls...nada. It starts to get super frustrating!! My sister has blessed me beyond belief with a job and that is now winding down...so I'm starting to feel the pressure of needing a job ASAP.

I keep letting my mind wonder into the idea of if I don't get a job in 2 months I will most likely have to go home. Would that be so bad? Yes it would. I like it here and I don't want to "fail" and have to go back and live with my dad and still not have a job. That just sounds more depressing. (Don't get me wrong I'm so blessed that I have a place I can go back to) but I feel like I moved here for a reason. And maybe that reason was to move here and know that I did it. But I think there is more to it.

I'm experiencing one of the biggest faith tests I may have ever had. I literally have no other choice then to trust God has got a job/plan for me while I'm here. It's a daily battle to remind myself to trust Him instead of freak out! Stress gets you no where. That won't help my situation at all.

I have managed to make one friend. But I don't know how to pronounce her name. How pathetic is that?! We have seen each other several times now so I can't really be like "I'm sorry...what is your name?!"...I'm hoping someone will say it and then I'll know :) I have picked a church and that is great! However, looks like I'm gonna have to work Sunday's so I'll only be able to go for worship but I'm looking forward to it :)

I tried to not put expectations on my adventure and I think I put way more on then I thought. I think I'm pressuring myself too much in the friend department. I have only been here 6 weeks and constantly I am giving myself crap that I haven't met anyone new or I haven't put myself out there enough. While all this might be true I realized tonight as I sat in a park watching the sun go down that I should really enjoy this alone time. Yes I have LOTS of alone time...sometimes I feel like too much. I should enjoy it. Who knows when I'll get it again and it's a good time to clear my head and really get to spend quality time with the Lord. So I guess it's a blessing in disguise :)

Being around my family has been great. Semi strange but in a good way. I know it's weird to some people that my sister and I are sisters but we don't know each other. I was young when she moved out of the house and with having different Dad's we were not around each other as much as normal sisters. They have been so nice and they invite me over for dinner all the time which is more then I could ask. I feel like I should be helping them more but they are so darn organized and happy I don't know how I can help them. haha! I'm hoping that my relationship with them will just grow as we get to know each other and that we will still like each other once we do!

So as I told myself and the Lord tonight in the park "I'm just along for the ride". I truly have no idea what to expect in the next few months...but only time will tell and only God knows....

Overload of New

I'm going on three weeks now of being in Oregon. I guess you could say reality is starting to hit. Everyone said that I was going to have "what have I done?!" moments...and they were right. I don't regret moving and I am very happy here. I think it's still just all the un knowns I face. I REALLY need a job. My job at my sisters store is coming to an end and I need something else soon. I'm doing all that I know to do to find a job and I know this is just a massive practical test in trust and faith. It's funny how you can tell people to just have faith and trust that God is gonna provide your needs. But until you are really in the situation yourself you don't fully understand just how hard it can be. I'm not allowing myself to stress about it all. I know it's gonna work out and I know God has got a plan for me. :)

I had coffee with a new friend today and it was awesome. She and I have a lot of things in common and it was just so nice to sit and talk with a stranger and just get to know each other. People say to me all the time that now that I moved I can be whoever I want to be, but I just want to be ME! I feel like I have been put into a certain mold back home and now I'm somewhere that no one knows me, no one knows about my bubble, or that I don't want to have kids, or that I hate spiders. These are all things that I can share with people because I choose too...not things that have come to define me. Does that make sense?

It's amazing to me how I went from totally comfortable, predictable life to....completely un comfortable un predictable life. But I'm just enjoying the experience and the challenge of putting myself out there to meet new people. It's been a challenge so far but I'm up for it! And still excited to see what happens next.

First Week

I left Colorado a week ago today! (almost exactly to the hour...weird). The road trip here will go down in history as one of the best trips of my life! We made it the first night to the last town in WY before the Utah border. We were so tired we passed out and then woke up bright and early and headed to Boise, ID. Along they way there was lots of singing in to water bottles and lots of giggles. Traveling with Erika has truly become one of the best things in my life. We have decided to make a trip together yearly.

We arrived in Boise and met up with a friend of ours we met on the plane when we flew to Florida together. Wow..what a night! Could possibly be the most fun night I have ever had! I'll spare the details...don't want to offend anyone or get Erika in trouble :) Let's just say I will never, ever forget that night!

Getting up the next day to finish off the drive was difficult to say the least. But we got on the road around 11 and passed into Oregon about 30 min later. We arrived into Hood River and went straight to my apartment! The very nice land lady was there and waiting for us and gave us the tour of the entire house.(it's a super old house that is broken up into 5 units) We unpacked my car (of course the day we arrive Oregon was in a full blown heat wave!) Then we huffed up the biggest hill I have seen in my life to say hello to my sister Brooke, brother-in-law Mike and niece Katie. I was wondering if Katie was going to remember me and she did :) It instantly warmed my heart! That night Erika and I walked downtown (it's one block down from my place) we got dinner and ice cream and did a little window shopping. We later went for a walk to explore Hood River and come across the park that hosts move in the park. That was a cool first night experience :)

Monday I had to drive Erika to the airport. On the way we stopped at a few water falls and did a hike back to one of them. I think she really got to see Oregon's beauty that day! After we said goodbye and I drove off from the airport all alone...it started to hit me...I LIVE HERE! I'm sure this is a realization that will hit me over the next few months.

I began working in my sisters store on Tuesday. I know everyone thinks it's hilarious that I of all people work in a lingerie store. I think it's almost poetic. This whole adventure is going to be full of putting me in situations that make me uncomfortable. I think working there is going to help me overcome a lot of my "issues" :) I'm so grateful that my sister has given me a job while I look for a more full time one!

So far the experience has been kind of like a dream. My place is great! Small but fits me perfectly! It's super close to my sisters house and I walk to work everyday. I have never lived alone and so far I LOVE IT! I have wanted to live alone for a long time and now I get to! (don't get me wrong...Sophie was the best roommate I could have possibly ever asked for!) I have huge windows that over look downtown and the river...it's truly like living in a postcard.

While Erika was here she was talking to my sister and she started to tear up cause she was just talking about how I have spent my whole life being a part of everyone else's families and now I get to be apart of MY family. I'm really excited to experience that for the first time :)

I'm sure that I'll have my moments of homesickness and "what have I done?!"...but so far they haven't come. I'm so looking forward to the things that this season holds for me. I'm still just trusting that the Lord is gonna provide a job and friends and a church. He has seen me this far...He won't leave me now!

To My Friends

There are no words to express how grateful I am for all of you. Your support during this entire experience so far has meant more to me then you ever know. I went to bed crying and woke up and the first thing I did was cry some more. But, I don’t cry because I’m sad, it’s cause I feel overwhelmed. The love that all of you have shown me is just really hitting me right now. I am excited for my adventure, but I need to stop having to say goodbye! I seriously don’t think I can handle saying it anymore.

Betty-you are like my sister. You have allowed me to become part of your family and I don’t know how I can ever thank you for that! We have so many great memories together…probably a highlight will always be the grocery store J I look forward to hearing about all the great things God has got for you during this season as well!

Safinia P- never could I have asked for a better roommate. You and I have been friends through it all and I feel like we just get closer every year. Of everyone I have said goodbye to yours was the most peaceful because I know that time or distance doesn’t affect our friendship. We have done it before, and we are just doing it again! Enjoy your adventure! Um…and expect many texts about jams we MUST download J

Kelly Belly- You I also know will always be there and nothing is gonna change between us. You and I have been through this many times and of everyone we have visited each other the most. So I hope your planning that trip! Watching you become a wife and mother has been such a joy! You took to them both better then I could have ever have dreamed. I can’t wait to meet your little guy and WHEN you get skype he can meet me too J

Korts- Haha just writing your name made me cry. I sometimes wonder how it is we became such great friends. But we did and I am SO grateful. You have become my best friend and I know we will remain that way for many many years. You have helped me through so many things and have always been there when I just need to talk or someone to hang out with. I’m gonna miss you and your family so much. Like ridiculously so. But we always have facebook! It is afterall how we became friends J There is some exciting things in store for you and I’m just waiting to hear what they are.

I could write all day. But these 4 ladies have given me the inspiration and the determination to pull this move off! I know this is just something I have to do. I have no idea what lies ahead but God said “go”…so here I go J

Last Day!

Today is my last day at work :) To say this job has been challenging would be a massive understatement. When people ask me why it's so bad and I say "my bosses are mean" or "they play the same George Straight CD over, and over, and over all day, everyday" they always look at me like I'm a wimp or something. It's just one of those places you have to work to understand the vibe that it is here. It's full of sick to my stomach feelings, and as my co-worker says "mind games!" BUT today is my last day! All week I haven't really been that excited...that all changed this morning! I woke up and first thing I did was prayed and asked the Lord to help me have a good attitude and go out of here on a positive note. Since I started working here and dreaming of my last day I have been determined to leave here in a good place. Well it's gonna happen. I'm gonna walk out that door knowing I have done my best. :)

On my last blog my sister wrote me a comment. It totally made me cry (ugh I cant seem to have a day without crying.) She is so right. I'm not moving to Timbuktu and as my other friend says "it's not like your dying, your moving." Again truth. I have been so focused on the what I'm leaving behind, not on what I'm heading towards. (Typical negative Nancy...I'm working on it!!) So as I leave this job behind and look forward to what the future holds I have decided to also stop being sad. I am a wallower...and enough is enough. No more sappy blogs about how I'm gonna miss my friends or Dad. It's all been said. Those things are still true, but I'm now gonna look forward to all the new and exciting things that are in store. Getting to know my sister and her family better is gonna be so great! I'm not even sure what all to expect but I think that is one of the joys of this whole thing. So...here is to making new memories!

Congratulations

My roommate Sophie and I have a banner in our living room that says "Congratulations!". We threw a party earlier this year and we put it up then. When we were cleaning up from the party we decided to leave it up because we both said "there is always something to celebrate!". It sounds silly, but that banner has actually come in very helpful.

This week has been an extreme roller coaster. I have been super happy, then super sad. I have never experienced such strong emotions so different at the same time. I have talked to several friends over the past few days and when I tell them I'm sad and just can't seem to shake it, they all encourage me to be excited about the adventure. And I always get back to being excited but then a few hours go by and the sadness sucks me in. I was doing better this week but then on Sunday I was sitting next to one of the most special people in my life and she looks at me and says "I'm really feeling emotional about you moving." I look over and there are just tears pouring down her face. Well of course I start crying (it's a good thing we were surrounded by people cause I probably would have full on balled). After that it just has been hard to recover! I knew people were going to miss me but seeing her actually crying just made it all seem so real for some reason.

All week I have been on this roller coaster. Then last night I hit another major dip, I started thinking about my dad being all alone. Bleh...it was bad. I had to go for a walk to try and clear my head, I tried praying that didn't really help (hey just being honest). So then I called in the big guns. I asked my best friend and best advice giver I know to talk things out with me. We texted back and forth for a while...and of course I felt better and less emotional. After talking with him I felt more excited and more like this was just part of the process God has got me for me in this season.

So after work I have been packing and I ran down stairs to get something and I look up and see "congratulations!" And I just smile. There truly is always something to celebrate. Even though I have been sad and slightly freaking out I can celebrate the fact that I have so much in my life to be thankful for! Amazing friends :) They have talked me off the ledge all week this week. I can celebrate the fact that I'm about to embark on the adventure of a life time! I have NO idea what awaits for me in Oregon but the only way I'm going to find out is if I suck it up and go! I'm thinking I'm taking that banner with me and hanging it in my apartment :)

Drowning

Do you ever feel like the best way to describe your week is that your drowning? You have done your best to stay above water but no matter what you do it keeps sucking you under. Yeah that has been my week. I'm not sure what the deal is. All week I just have been struggling with feeling so overwhelmingly sad that I just randomly break down and cry (it's happend while sitting at my desk at work, that is fun to explain to a co-worker.) Usually when I feel like this I can give myself a pep talk and I snap out of it pretty fast. Not this time. It just keeps looming over my head like an annoying bug. I can't really place what is upsetting me the most either...weird huh?
My Jonah blog was theraputic to write so I was thinking maybe if I sat down and wrote about the feelings I'm having I'll get some clarity as to what was going on. I cried all the way to work today. I hung out with some of my best most awesome friends last night and it got me sad of course thinking about moving and leaving them. 1 of my best friends already lives in California but it's still sad knowing I won't be here next time he comes and visits. I almost feel like I seem un grateful or un appreciative of the things I have here. Am I really willing to leave behind so many blessings that I have? People tell me all the time how blessed I am to have the friends I do, I KNOW this! Am I crazy for quitting a job that yes, I don't like, but that pays really well and truly isn't as bad as I have made it out to be? Am I nuts for moving out of a house that has been beyond perfect in a million ways? I don't even know my sister and I'm moving to live in a small town to get to know her better? Welcome to my brain...it's a scray place.

Driving to work today I think I figured out one of the biggest things that has me so emotional. I am a pretty insecure person, I have come along way, I used to think I was just completely worthless and now I think I'm pretty awesome. But, I still have fears that creep in. I'm worried about making friends and being lonely. I'm pretty good at not feeling lonley or bored here, I can usually find someone to hang out with or something to do to keep my mind busy. But once I arrive in Oregon that is all gonna change. I'm gonna have to put myself out there in ways I have never done before. The shy side of Louie is in for a real shock I'm afraid. I worry people won't like me, or they will find me annoying or whatever. Yes that is pretty 14 of me but it's the truth. I know this move has a lot of good things in store for me, but right now all the excited feelings are gone and just this looming sadness has set in. I know it will change and I know He has it all figured out. I just wish my emotional side would get on bored with knowing that.