Do you ever feel like the best way to describe your week is that your drowning? You have done your best to stay above water but no matter what you do it keeps sucking you under. Yeah that has been my week. I'm not sure what the deal is. All week I just have been struggling with feeling so overwhelmingly sad that I just randomly break down and cry (it's happend while sitting at my desk at work, that is fun to explain to a co-worker.) Usually when I feel like this I can give myself a pep talk and I snap out of it pretty fast. Not this time. It just keeps looming over my head like an annoying bug. I can't really place what is upsetting me the most either...weird huh?
My Jonah blog was theraputic to write so I was thinking maybe if I sat down and wrote about the feelings I'm having I'll get some clarity as to what was going on. I cried all the way to work today. I hung out with some of my best most awesome friends last night and it got me sad of course thinking about moving and leaving them. 1 of my best friends already lives in California but it's still sad knowing I won't be here next time he comes and visits. I almost feel like I seem un grateful or un appreciative of the things I have here. Am I really willing to leave behind so many blessings that I have? People tell me all the time how blessed I am to have the friends I do, I KNOW this! Am I crazy for quitting a job that yes, I don't like, but that pays really well and truly isn't as bad as I have made it out to be? Am I nuts for moving out of a house that has been beyond perfect in a million ways? I don't even know my sister and I'm moving to live in a small town to get to know her better? Welcome to my brain...it's a scray place.
Driving to work today I think I figured out one of the biggest things that has me so emotional. I am a pretty insecure person, I have come along way, I used to think I was just completely worthless and now I think I'm pretty awesome. But, I still have fears that creep in. I'm worried about making friends and being lonely. I'm pretty good at not feeling lonley or bored here, I can usually find someone to hang out with or something to do to keep my mind busy. But once I arrive in Oregon that is all gonna change. I'm gonna have to put myself out there in ways I have never done before. The shy side of Louie is in for a real shock I'm afraid. I worry people won't like me, or they will find me annoying or whatever. Yes that is pretty 14 of me but it's the truth. I know this move has a lot of good things in store for me, but right now all the excited feelings are gone and just this looming sadness has set in. I know it will change and I know He has it all figured out. I just wish my emotional side would get on bored with knowing that.
Friday, July 23, 2010
Monday, July 19, 2010
Jonah
I really like Jonah. I feel like he is a realistic bible character. I don't know how many times God has told me to do something and I say "no!" and run in the other direction. And just like Jonah God has to put me through some semi un pleasant stuff to get back on the path he originally intended for me. When I was in bible school there were times I would REALLY not want to go to a meeting or a church service and my roommate Cassie would always call me "Jonah". I would always end up going to the meeting and of course they would be awesome and I would leave crying and totally feeling like that was right where I needed to be.
Well, I woke up having a major Jonah moment today. I woke up and realized I don't want to move to Oregon anymore. I have freaked myself about finances and making friends and driving my sister crazy...the list goes on! But as I was driving to work I just had to remind myself about my Jonah moments. Always when I freak out and don't want to do something but I suck it up and do it anyways cause I know I'm supposed to, it ALWAYS turns out better then I expected. So I'm moving. Ha! Even if the easier thing is to stay here. I gotta take the leap and avoid the whale at all costs :)
Well, I woke up having a major Jonah moment today. I woke up and realized I don't want to move to Oregon anymore. I have freaked myself about finances and making friends and driving my sister crazy...the list goes on! But as I was driving to work I just had to remind myself about my Jonah moments. Always when I freak out and don't want to do something but I suck it up and do it anyways cause I know I'm supposed to, it ALWAYS turns out better then I expected. So I'm moving. Ha! Even if the easier thing is to stay here. I gotta take the leap and avoid the whale at all costs :)
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Friendships
11 “When Job's three friends, Eliphaz the Temanite, Bildad the Shuhite and Zophar the Naamathite, heard about all the troubles that had come upon him, they set out from their homes and met together by agreement to go and sympathize with him and comfort him. 12 When they saw him from a distance, they could hardly recognize him; they began to weep aloud, and they tore their robes and sprinkled dust on their heads. 13 Then they sat on the ground with him for seven days and seven nights. No one said a word to him, because they saw how great his suffering was.” Job 2:11-13
Friendships mean the world to me! I am not close with my family and so what I have as “family” is my friends. I spend holiday’s with friends, birthday’s, you name it. I’m so grateful that my friends families allow me to spend so much time with them. I put a lot of work in to my friendships.
I had a dinner party a few weeks back and there was one point when I looked around the table and said to myself “all 5 of these ladies could call me their best friend and I could call them mine.” The problem with being how I am is that I put a lot of work and time in to my relationships. And sometimes (most times) that effort is not returned. This is something I have had to come to terms with. Being a single girl I have the time. I don’t have a million commitments with family or husbands or boyfriends. It’s just me. I can go where I want when I want. So this leaves me the time to put the effort into my friendships. It took me a long time to see this and not get upset with my friends for not having time for me.
I think we all are guilty of this. Friends should be friends no matter what. Yes, it’s nice to have friends that are in your exact situation. Single, married, kids, no kids, tall, short..the list could go on. Job’s friends didn’t go to him cause they were all the same, they went to morn with him cause they were his friends and loved him.
Friends are there for each other no matter what. I know lately I have whined about not having single friends. And for that I am sorry. I don’t want to sound un grateful or un appreciative of the friends I have. So I may not be able to relate to my mom friends, or married friends, but they are still my friends. I would do anything for them. I want to be like Job’s friends and drop everything I was doing to go comfort my friend.
Friendships mean the world to me! I am not close with my family and so what I have as “family” is my friends. I spend holiday’s with friends, birthday’s, you name it. I’m so grateful that my friends families allow me to spend so much time with them. I put a lot of work in to my friendships.
I had a dinner party a few weeks back and there was one point when I looked around the table and said to myself “all 5 of these ladies could call me their best friend and I could call them mine.” The problem with being how I am is that I put a lot of work and time in to my relationships. And sometimes (most times) that effort is not returned. This is something I have had to come to terms with. Being a single girl I have the time. I don’t have a million commitments with family or husbands or boyfriends. It’s just me. I can go where I want when I want. So this leaves me the time to put the effort into my friendships. It took me a long time to see this and not get upset with my friends for not having time for me.
I think we all are guilty of this. Friends should be friends no matter what. Yes, it’s nice to have friends that are in your exact situation. Single, married, kids, no kids, tall, short..the list could go on. Job’s friends didn’t go to him cause they were all the same, they went to morn with him cause they were his friends and loved him.
Friends are there for each other no matter what. I know lately I have whined about not having single friends. And for that I am sorry. I don’t want to sound un grateful or un appreciative of the friends I have. So I may not be able to relate to my mom friends, or married friends, but they are still my friends. I would do anything for them. I want to be like Job’s friends and drop everything I was doing to go comfort my friend.
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Leap of Faith
My adventure begins in a little over 6 weeks. When I made the decision to move in April I thought August was SO far away….it’s coming up faster than I expected. I shouldn’t really say when I “finally decided” cause it was more like when I finally just said “yes”. I have been thinking/praying about moving to Oregon for the past 2 years. But it’s a big step. Other than when I moved to Texas for bible school I have never been away from my family and friends. This is something I have to do. I can just feel that. I am not going to say I’m not nervous or sad about the adventure, but I know if I don’t do it, one day I’m gonna say “I wish I had taken the leap and moved!” I’m all about living with no regrets!
When people ask me why I’m moving I think they expect me to say “for a job” or “I met a boy” or “God descended on a cloud and said I should”….but when I answer “just cause” I usually get kind of a blank stare. But it’s the truth. I spent many hours praying about it and never got a loud and clear “yes”. I could just feel it was something I needed to do. (I know we are not supposed to go by our feelings and blah, blah…hear what I’m saying). The number 1 thing that has always kept me here has been my friends. They are my family. My dad is my best friend and always will be, no matter where I move I know we are going to be close, and yes leaving him is going to be the hardest part, but I know he will be fine. My friends are different. Growing up I always found my identity in them. I always cared (too much) what they thought of me and the things I wanted to do. In a way I have let my relationships with them hold me back. Now the majority of them have families and are living their lives, while I feel like I’m on the sideline watching their lives happen. I’m bored. I have a very busy social life, but I’m still bored. I feel like my life is going no where. This is my own fault mind you. I know moving to Oregon isn’t going to solve all my problems but its going to be full of so many experiences I won’t have if I stay here. I have no job lined up and I sort of have a place to live. If anyone knows me just a little bit, you know I’m a planner! This is scary for me big time. But I woke up this morning and the first thing I thought of was finances and how I’m going to pull this off and a quiet voice just said to me “I’ve got you, I have never let you down in the past have I?”...of course the answer to that question is a capital “NO”.
I have never had to look for a church. I grew up in the same one and when I went to Texas the bible school and church were basically the same thing. This is something I want to do. I’m very thankful for the things my church has given me over the years here, but it’s just one of the things I need to leave behind.
The relationships I have built over the years through going to my church will remain. I’m confidant of that. But, I have never had to make friends. I have had the same group of friends my entire life. Words can not express how grateful I am for that and how that has resulted in those people being my family, not my friends. Growing up I was always the shy/quiet girl. After moving to Texas I realized I really wasn’t all that shy or quiet, but I think because that is what I had been defined as for so many years that was what I believed myself to be. After getting away from the people that knew me for so long I found out I was someone different. People grow and they change, and I fear that if we are always around the same people in the same environment we don’t really get the opportunities we need.
I’m sure this is just the first of many blog’s on this subject!
When people ask me why I’m moving I think they expect me to say “for a job” or “I met a boy” or “God descended on a cloud and said I should”….but when I answer “just cause” I usually get kind of a blank stare. But it’s the truth. I spent many hours praying about it and never got a loud and clear “yes”. I could just feel it was something I needed to do. (I know we are not supposed to go by our feelings and blah, blah…hear what I’m saying). The number 1 thing that has always kept me here has been my friends. They are my family. My dad is my best friend and always will be, no matter where I move I know we are going to be close, and yes leaving him is going to be the hardest part, but I know he will be fine. My friends are different. Growing up I always found my identity in them. I always cared (too much) what they thought of me and the things I wanted to do. In a way I have let my relationships with them hold me back. Now the majority of them have families and are living their lives, while I feel like I’m on the sideline watching their lives happen. I’m bored. I have a very busy social life, but I’m still bored. I feel like my life is going no where. This is my own fault mind you. I know moving to Oregon isn’t going to solve all my problems but its going to be full of so many experiences I won’t have if I stay here. I have no job lined up and I sort of have a place to live. If anyone knows me just a little bit, you know I’m a planner! This is scary for me big time. But I woke up this morning and the first thing I thought of was finances and how I’m going to pull this off and a quiet voice just said to me “I’ve got you, I have never let you down in the past have I?”...of course the answer to that question is a capital “NO”.
I have never had to look for a church. I grew up in the same one and when I went to Texas the bible school and church were basically the same thing. This is something I want to do. I’m very thankful for the things my church has given me over the years here, but it’s just one of the things I need to leave behind.
The relationships I have built over the years through going to my church will remain. I’m confidant of that. But, I have never had to make friends. I have had the same group of friends my entire life. Words can not express how grateful I am for that and how that has resulted in those people being my family, not my friends. Growing up I was always the shy/quiet girl. After moving to Texas I realized I really wasn’t all that shy or quiet, but I think because that is what I had been defined as for so many years that was what I believed myself to be. After getting away from the people that knew me for so long I found out I was someone different. People grow and they change, and I fear that if we are always around the same people in the same environment we don’t really get the opportunities we need.
I’m sure this is just the first of many blog’s on this subject!
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Vegas!
Wow what a whirlwind of a trip! We left Friday night after work and got to our hotel around 9pm. We managed to stand in line at the wrong hotel for about 30 minutes and then got directed to where we really needed to go. When we arrived at the hotel they couldn't find our reservation. I would be lying if I said I didn't get a little nervous. After they made several phone calls and checked a million places they still couldn't find the reservation. All this time I was just praying "Lord please just let this work out." They decide to just let us stay and we could call our travel company in the morning and get it all figured out. Well then she says she doesn't have any rooms still available. Ugh. So she asks her manager if she should just move us. And he says yes. We get on the elevator and realize that we are staying on the penthouse level...this of course makes us all start jumping up and down! (the Lord seriously answered my prayer) After we get to our room and take a million pictures we decided to change and head out to explore. (mind you it is close to 11 at this point and we all worked that day...but it's Vegas!) Vegas is kind of like a different world, the streets are covered with pictures of basically naked girls, people walking around with beers, some of the shortest dress I have ever seen...it's kind of overwhelming. It really made me realize how grateful I am tot be in that scene...we really didn't fit in and I think we were all ok with that. The next morning we got up and immediately hit the pool. This was amazing. We ordered food and drinks and sat their poolside just hanging out laying in the sun...vacation at it's truest!
I don't remember who suggested it...but we thought Chipotle would be a good idea for lunch. So we call the concierge who tells us it's located between two hotels (mind you each hotel is the size of an entire city block) we then begin our trek. We take the bus and get off where we thought it was...we were wrong. I then call chipotle and she tells me it is in between two completely different hotels...awesome. It's now 99 degrees outside and standing in the sun with 50 other people for the bus is just getting to be too much. So we decide to walk....and walk....and walk. After getting lost a handful of more times we found it!! It seriously was the best tasting chipotle I have ever had :) The thing I liked most about this experience is that even though we were REALLY hot (I loath being hot) we all remained in good moods, even though we kept getting lost none of got snippy or annoyed with one another we just pressed on....I thought that was awesome. Last time I was in Vegas I was 18 and the 4 of us got into a million fights the 4 days we were there. I think being older this time around made a huge difference :)
We spent the rest of our time being tourist, shopping, laughing making Hangover references. It truly was a trip I will never forget. Even though were out of place amongst the party crowd we enjoyed our time together and just had a great time! I don't think I will be going to Vegas again. It's fun to see and the hotels truly are amazing, but the excessiveness of it all is kind of ridiculous and un necessary. Maybe I have been one too many missions trips but it's kind of hard to enjoy the absolute spoiling that takes place there when you know there is just so much sadness and poverty elsewhere in the world....
I don't remember who suggested it...but we thought Chipotle would be a good idea for lunch. So we call the concierge who tells us it's located between two hotels (mind you each hotel is the size of an entire city block) we then begin our trek. We take the bus and get off where we thought it was...we were wrong. I then call chipotle and she tells me it is in between two completely different hotels...awesome. It's now 99 degrees outside and standing in the sun with 50 other people for the bus is just getting to be too much. So we decide to walk....and walk....and walk. After getting lost a handful of more times we found it!! It seriously was the best tasting chipotle I have ever had :) The thing I liked most about this experience is that even though we were REALLY hot (I loath being hot) we all remained in good moods, even though we kept getting lost none of got snippy or annoyed with one another we just pressed on....I thought that was awesome. Last time I was in Vegas I was 18 and the 4 of us got into a million fights the 4 days we were there. I think being older this time around made a huge difference :)
We spent the rest of our time being tourist, shopping, laughing making Hangover references. It truly was a trip I will never forget. Even though were out of place amongst the party crowd we enjoyed our time together and just had a great time! I don't think I will be going to Vegas again. It's fun to see and the hotels truly are amazing, but the excessiveness of it all is kind of ridiculous and un necessary. Maybe I have been one too many missions trips but it's kind of hard to enjoy the absolute spoiling that takes place there when you know there is just so much sadness and poverty elsewhere in the world....
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Mommy-Ville
One of my good friends had a baby boy and after he was born she said to me “I think my mommy gene is broken.” I think my mommy gene is broken as well. When I go to visit my friends in the hospital after they have given birth my reaction isn’t “oh what a miracle! I can’t wait till it’s my turn”. My reaction is “I’m literally going to puke if I have to hear any more details of the pain, blood or placentas”. I have never wanted kids. Even my sister said to me that growing up I never wanted to pretend to be a mom, or play mommy. That actually made me feel better, because a lot of times I think something is wrong with me. 99% of my friends are mothers (or fathers) and they LOVE it! And they all say to me “when it’s your own kid it will be different”, I do believe them. But I also wonder why it’s so hard for people to believe me when I say I don’t want kids of my own? I love kids. I would love to be a teacher or own a day care. I enjoy playing with kids so much that sometimes that’s all I want to do. I think God gave me a gift of being good with kids. No one taught me what makes them laugh or how to discipline them, it just comes to me. I’ll be in the store and I kid you not 5 different little kids will wave to me. I think I have some sort of kid friendly aura. I don’t not want to be a mother because it freaks me out, ok well giving birth sounds awful, but I know I could do it. It’s just something I have no desire towards. Maybe I’m meant to be like Mother Teresa, she didn’t have any kids but her life’s work was children? Who knows! Trust me I’m not naive enough to say “I’m never having children”. Whatever God wants for me, I want and if it means having a kiddo then…bring it on!
Mommy-ville is an interesting place. I am always amazed at what moms can remember. They can remember when their child got their 4th tooth when they were only 6 months and 2 days old. And that their kid had a fever on the 2nd Tuesday in July! Seriously….I don’t get it. But I will say…being a mother is hands down the hardest job in the world. These women function with very little sleep and are responsible for every part of this little persons world…that sounds like an intense job to me! First let me just say I love my mom friends, but I fear if I don’t get out of mommy-ville soon…I may snap. I need single friends. I don’t think mom friends would want to only hang out with single people…I shall miss my friends more then anything when I move, and I will probably miss their children more then them (shh don’t tell them I said that) but it’s time for me to get out there and live my single life! As much fun as it has been being an “aunty” and getting to play with all the cute kiddos…I’m ready to experience a new season. I already know more about giving birth then any un married person should know! Let me tell you…..it doesn’t sound like a good time! I will end by saying that if the Lord wills and one day I become a mother (just typing that made me feel queasy) I don’t want to hear the “I told you so” chorus to ring!
Mommy-ville is an interesting place. I am always amazed at what moms can remember. They can remember when their child got their 4th tooth when they were only 6 months and 2 days old. And that their kid had a fever on the 2nd Tuesday in July! Seriously….I don’t get it. But I will say…being a mother is hands down the hardest job in the world. These women function with very little sleep and are responsible for every part of this little persons world…that sounds like an intense job to me! First let me just say I love my mom friends, but I fear if I don’t get out of mommy-ville soon…I may snap. I need single friends. I don’t think mom friends would want to only hang out with single people…I shall miss my friends more then anything when I move, and I will probably miss their children more then them (shh don’t tell them I said that) but it’s time for me to get out there and live my single life! As much fun as it has been being an “aunty” and getting to play with all the cute kiddos…I’m ready to experience a new season. I already know more about giving birth then any un married person should know! Let me tell you…..it doesn’t sound like a good time! I will end by saying that if the Lord wills and one day I become a mother (just typing that made me feel queasy) I don’t want to hear the “I told you so” chorus to ring!
Finally on the blog train!
Wow...I'm actually a blogger! Took me long enough! I was thinking I wanted to start doing one and when I decided to move to Oregon I figured why not do it now and write all about all the different things I'll be experiencing during this major change in my life. I'm so not a writer...I can't spell to save my life and I usually end up writing just like I talk, but ya know what? That is who I am. And if this blog is going to be about me then it's going to sound like me! I just hope I can focus my thoughts long enough to write one blog. I have lots of topics I would love to blog about, but I'm slightly concerned that I will offended people if I say what I'm really thinking. But again, this is my blog and I guess it's time to get honest and stop caring what people think. Ha! That could be a blog all in it's self. So....here is to blogging!
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