Happy Anniversary!

In 2 weeks I will have lived in Oregon for a year. That is crazy! It has gone by so fast and every turn and bump along the way has been such a learning experience :) Today I'm working at my sisters store again and it's totally taking me back to when I first lived here and knew no one, needed a job, needed a place to live...so many things were up in the air! Now I sit here with 2 great jobs, friends that I really like, and lots of peace in my heart! Needless to say it's been a great year :)

I'm impressed that only once in the last year I seriously considered giving up and moving back to Colorado....I'm so glad I didn't! I have grown so much as a person and feel like I'm starting to figure out who I am! This summer has been a summer of fun....I lived my 20's flip flopped so I'm enjoying going out and being young and single :) It's been a super fun time.

I have no idea what the next year holds and where I'll end up but I do know that wherever I go and whatever happens I have the most amazing Savior ever and He is with me step by step all the way :)

Imagine that...He really does provide for us!

So this last week has been a roller coaster but an amazing one. I'm so poor it's almost comical but it's crazy how there just always seems to be the money to pay things...I don't try to figure out how.
I'm still in need of a second job. I only work 30 hours with Head Start and thankfully my sister has showed pity on me and given her little sister a job (bless her!) But ideally I would like to work elsewhere so that she wouldn't have to pay me and cause I kind of actually suck at working retail. I mean...me selling bra's? I have been looking everyday for jobs and just nothing has come thru.
Tuesday of last week I got called in for a admin job for a local real estate job. I went to the interview and it went great so I had high hopes. That same day a great apartment came open. I was living in a 450 sq ft apartment paying 740.00 a month. (that included all utilities and cable and wi-fi) oh and it was fully furnished. So I went and looked at the apartment...it's 2 bedroom, still downtown and WAY bigger then where I have been. It was 750.00 for everything except electric. The landlady really liked me and offered it to me right then and there. The thing was I would have needed to break my lease with where I was and my landlady there is a little crazy....

I talked to my currently landlady (Karen) and she didn't want to let me out of my lease and sounded like she was gonna give me a hard time about it and I started to think that the new apartment was just a little too out of my price range so I called Kim (new landlady) and told her that I was just a little worried about the electric putting me over what I could really afford and that I was really bummed and blah blah.

Wednesday: I get a call back from Kim (new landlady) and she liked me so much that she would be willing to rent me the apartment for 700.00. WHAT?! I was so freaking excited!! But then I had to face Karen (current landlady) well this time she was SUPER nice about letting me out and let's me break it no problem.

Thursday: Pack like a mad women. The sooner I get out of the studio apartment the sooner Karen can rent it to someone else. Kim calls (new) and she offers to put all sorts of furniture in the apartment for me. I own a bed and a couch and that is it...no dishes, no nothing. She gives me a few things I need. But I continue to make a HUGE list for Ikea and I start to freak out about how much I'm gonna have to spend. (Especially cause I just bought a new tv...ouch!)

Friday: I get a call about the job...I didn't get it :( I was bummed for like 5 minutes...haha. Then my phone rings and it's another job wanting to set up another interview! CRAZY! So hope is still alive for another job...yes!

Saturday: Moving Day! My wonderful sister and family help me move. It took us 45 min. haha.

Sunday: Nothing exciting. Except the Ikea list grows and so does my anxiety about how much money I'm gonna spend....

Monday: Go on interview. It goes really well! Hope still alive!

Tuesday: Friend of a friend offers to give me pots and pans and all sorts of house type things! The Ikea list gets shorter!!

Wednesday: Get a call back about the job...don't get it :( Bleh. 10 min later I get a call from my mom who makes me feel even worse about life (she didn't mean to)...now I feel completely stressed/overwhelmed....cry for a while. But then I get a call from Kim and she says she just found all this amazing furniture for my place! And...get this...it all matches what I had already...um for real?!?! She also has a tv I can use!! Talk about a pick me up phone call! I snap out of feeling sorry for myself and start to get really excited about the new place and the Ikea list goes WAY down! I return the tv I bought and can now use that money to go to Ikea with....anxiety basically gone!!

So yes, I'm still in need of a 2nd job BUT He clearly is providing for me in ways that I just can't comprehend and I need to not insult Him by stressing and dis trusting Him when He has CLEARLY proven Himself worthy of my trust :) I'm so blessed and feeling completely un worthy of His love and provision. I know this is all apart of this adventure that I'm on and I wouldn't be able to learn any of these lessons had I not taken the leap and come here. I'm still poor but the peace I have defiantly surpasses understanding!

Thanks a Latte!

I just did a little math session and realized that I spend around 100.00 dollars a month on lattes. That is 1,200 a year! That is slightly out of hand. I have done the math before but I was making lots more money and always just said "it's my one vice!" as if that was supposed to make it ok. Well, I just ordered a new book called "The Vice Busting Diet" and the main thing it talks about is how having a vice doesn't make it ok. It's still just a bad excuse to do something. I just finished a latte I bought today and sadly me and the latte kind of had a moment. Haha!

I have gone to a coffee shop everyday for YEARS. I mean at least since the yearly 2000's. It's been my thing. I'm the coffee shop girl. I do love reading at coffee shop's and hanging out in them...but I'm thinking maybe it's time to cut back :) I'm not delusional enough to think this is gonna be easy...I'm mean I'm writing a blog about it. Obviously I'm gonna miss my lattes but I had to tell myself people quit doing drugs, or quit smoking...I'm pretty sure I can handle quitting lattes!

It has really helped to be able to share this journey I'm on and so I figure that I should share this goal as well. If I'm going to make a lifestyle change then drinking a latte everyday was going to have to change eventually...it might as well start now. So I apologize if I become really grumpy and lame due to the lack of caffeine...but I'm sure once the initial withdrawal is gone I'll be better :)

A Lifetime of Bad Habits

How do you break a lifetime of bad habits? Seriously if anyone can answer that question I'm all ears (and preferably I would like the answer to be something that is easy...not hard :) )
I have reached that time in my weight loss journey that I'm ready to quit. Haha...about a month in I always get frustrated cause I don't really see any results and I get mad and quit. This week I have had to talk myself of the ledge a few times...last night I wanted junk food SO bad I was ready to hurt somebody till I got some. But...I didn't get any :) This week has been a challenge though...I have been sick so of course I have talked myself out of doing anything that remotely resembles exercise and I have eaten pretty bad (food is my comfort...when I'm sad or sick I eat McDonalds...gross I know).
The other night when I was feeling really discouraged I met my new friend for dinner (of course the only friend I have made is totally in to nutrition, exercising and LOVES talking about it :) God so knows what we need!) I thought she was gonna slap me when I told her that I was ready to quit and was super frustrated! She brought up that I just started and that my lifestyle change is gonna take awhile to adjust to....keyword being lifestyle.
So I have decided to not quit :) Being open about it and talking with people about all this has been hard but super helpful. I feel such support and understanding from so many people!

Other then the lifestyle change that is going on....Oregon is still awesome. I feel like I'm starting to get comfortable here and starting to find my place. I REALLY like my job! Man I have missed being able to say that :) All the ladies I work with are super nice and I LOVE all the kiddos. I'm so blessed to apart of their little lives. My supervisor asked me to start working in the classroom some so now I'm getting to spend even more time with them :) It amazes me every week how I'm able to pay my bills...God is working it out so I'm continuing to learn to not stress and trust him! I have started looking for a new apartment cause I'm out of my small, bug infested, crap hole apartment in the end of April (can you tell how much I love it??) I haven't ever really shopped around for an apartment so it's just a new experience to tack on to this whole adventure!

My Journey

So...this is a big step for me. I NEVER like to discuss my weight or the issues I have had with it. But I'm currently on a journey (totally stole that word from the biggest loser). I have tried every diet under the sun and every form of exercise known to man and eventually I quit them all. But here is the kicker...I'm really un happy with my physical appearance and how out of shape I am. I don't think I have ever actually liked looking in the mirror and I never used to enjoy who I was...it used to be REALLY bad and I would get quite depressed about it so I have come along way and feel like I have made every step towards liking who I am...except in the physical area. Like I said before I have tried to lose weight more times then I care to admit but the one thing I have never done is discuss it. I have never declared to the world or even my friends that I have a problem and that it needs to be fixed.

It's almost like having a disease no one knows about. It's an all consuming disease. I go to sleep thinking about it, I wake up thinking about it. I'm so sensitive to what people are thinking about me...I used to not be able to eat in front of people because I thought they were thinking "she really shouldn't be eating that" or a whole other list of things...I hate it. And what I hate most is the fact that the only thing standing in the way of changing it is ME. How's that for frustrating? I can't blame anyone else for me being overweight.

While I was home the most important person in my life had a sort of intervention. My Dad bless him, brought up the fact that he was worried about my weight and how if I don't do something about it I could wind up with some serious health problems. Let's just say...that was not easy to hear and I didn't take it well. It was like taking a spotlight and shinning it on my biggest insecurity...the one thing that I try to hide and not deal with. But after what he said I got to thinking...now is the time. I have no excuses.

I knew when I moved here it was my chance to break a lot of my bad habits that I had made in the food area. I did break them...but then I made a whole new list of bad ones. Haha! I know that it's not too late and I can still make a new lifestyle for myself.
I guess the point of me writing this is to declare to the world that I'm doing this. That if by telling you all that I'm starting this journey, for real this time, that in some way you can keep me accountable. It's one thing to let myself down but a whole other to let all of you down.

Fitting in

Do you ever feel like you don’t have a place in this world? Like the world you left behind doesn’t fit anymore and you have yet to find your place in the world you are currently living? That is how I feel. Going home for Christmas was wonderful. But at the same time kind of sad. All the reasons I moved were still present. It was great to see everyone but I could just tell that I don’t belong there anymore. That is kind of a hard realization. But at the same time still a good one. I would be lying if I didn’t admit that I’m defiantly feeling homesick and borderline lonely. I truly love living in this town…I just wish I could find my place here. Money issues and the lack of a social life are starting to take it’s toll on my nerves but someone had a status on facebook the other day that said “you insult God by worrying” (it was something like that)… I have had to repeat that in my head over and over lately.

There is a great deal of peace in the fact that I know this is where I’m supposed to be. Maybe I’m just being hard on myself? I have only been here 5 months and have managed to make a few friends J I don’t know…I just had some thoughts running through my head and it always helps to blog them out J “this is just a season you have to go thru” is what I told myself walking home tonight. I guess I should listen to myself and just take it one day at a time. Not really sure what else to say but if anyone has an encouraging words I would love to hear them right about now....I'll make sure to grab a kleenex before I read them...:)

Adventures for 1

Man I am blessed. I realized a long time ago that if I wanted to do anything I couldn't wait for someone to want to do it with me. My time here has been so full of little adventures for 1! I went on a hike the other day and it was breath taking! It's so peaceful out in the wilderness by myself (of course with my iPhone with jams) just walking around, praying, talking :) I spent the first 2 months here so wrapped up in what I needed and what I need God to do for me. Then I was out walking and realized just how completely self absorbed I am. It didn't even occur to me that I should pray for others. So many people are praying for me and here I am just praying for me and all my things I need God to do for me....holy self centered! So, now I spend the majority of my alone time praying for others and you know what it's GREAT :) If I could repay people in prayer for half of the time they have prayed for me I would be happy!

Aside from hiking alone I decided to be really adventurous! I decided I wanted to go to the coast and if I didn't have anyone to go with I was going alone! I booked a hotel and I was all set to go. My wonderful friend Teresa lives about 5 hours from me in Washington and I asked her to come with me and she wasn't sure if she could. It was the night before and I was mentally preparing driving 3 hours by myself and staying in a hotel in Astoria and I get a text and Teresa says "Louie I'm coming!". I was SO excited! I feel like I passed a test :) I was going to go alone and I probably would have had a great time but I had 1000 times more fun with Teresa! We arrived right at sun set and so we got to see the sun set right over the ocean and it truly was something I won't forget.

I haven't made it to Portland since I have been here and I keep hearing how great a city it is. So I had 3 days off this week and I decided to go wonder around Portland. I asked my sister and bro-in-law where to go and so I set off and wondered around. I have been to many places and many downtown's and I will say Portland is the prettiest city I have ever been too. It's a beautiful mix of rivers, mountains and amazing architecture. Oh yeah....and they have Chipotle :)

While I was in Portland I was thinking that I still had 2 more days off and I should go visit Teresa! So I texted her and asked if she wanted a visitor and she said yes! So I geared up drove 5 hours to the Washington/Idaho border to see her! We went horseback riding and put put golfing. It was so great :) I laughed till my stomach hurt and it was just a good taste of home. The drive was also fun...I had the radio on scan and turned up and just sang and looked at the incredible landscape we have in this country!

I start my job on Monday! I'm so blessed to have a job with benefits and the one thing I truly wanted was to work for nice people and my supervisor is the nicest person!! I think this job is gonna be a great adventure in it's self. I am getting paid half of what I used to and still have to find another part time job but I'm so incredibly thankful for it that I don't even care!

Along For the Ride

So today has been the hardest day so far. I have managed to cry almost all day. The weird thing is it isn't cause I'm homesick or cause I feel lonely. It's more just....well that's it...I don't really know why. Sure I'm probably homesick and feeling kind of lonely but I think it's more the stress. The stress of not having a job yet or having any friends. I knew moving here that it would be hard to find a job but I guess I didn't think it was gonna be THIS hard. I apply for jobs everyday and don't hear anything back...no emails no phone calls...nada. It starts to get super frustrating!! My sister has blessed me beyond belief with a job and that is now winding down...so I'm starting to feel the pressure of needing a job ASAP.

I keep letting my mind wonder into the idea of if I don't get a job in 2 months I will most likely have to go home. Would that be so bad? Yes it would. I like it here and I don't want to "fail" and have to go back and live with my dad and still not have a job. That just sounds more depressing. (Don't get me wrong I'm so blessed that I have a place I can go back to) but I feel like I moved here for a reason. And maybe that reason was to move here and know that I did it. But I think there is more to it.

I'm experiencing one of the biggest faith tests I may have ever had. I literally have no other choice then to trust God has got a job/plan for me while I'm here. It's a daily battle to remind myself to trust Him instead of freak out! Stress gets you no where. That won't help my situation at all.

I have managed to make one friend. But I don't know how to pronounce her name. How pathetic is that?! We have seen each other several times now so I can't really be like "I'm sorry...what is your name?!"...I'm hoping someone will say it and then I'll know :) I have picked a church and that is great! However, looks like I'm gonna have to work Sunday's so I'll only be able to go for worship but I'm looking forward to it :)

I tried to not put expectations on my adventure and I think I put way more on then I thought. I think I'm pressuring myself too much in the friend department. I have only been here 6 weeks and constantly I am giving myself crap that I haven't met anyone new or I haven't put myself out there enough. While all this might be true I realized tonight as I sat in a park watching the sun go down that I should really enjoy this alone time. Yes I have LOTS of alone time...sometimes I feel like too much. I should enjoy it. Who knows when I'll get it again and it's a good time to clear my head and really get to spend quality time with the Lord. So I guess it's a blessing in disguise :)

Being around my family has been great. Semi strange but in a good way. I know it's weird to some people that my sister and I are sisters but we don't know each other. I was young when she moved out of the house and with having different Dad's we were not around each other as much as normal sisters. They have been so nice and they invite me over for dinner all the time which is more then I could ask. I feel like I should be helping them more but they are so darn organized and happy I don't know how I can help them. haha! I'm hoping that my relationship with them will just grow as we get to know each other and that we will still like each other once we do!

So as I told myself and the Lord tonight in the park "I'm just along for the ride". I truly have no idea what to expect in the next few months...but only time will tell and only God knows....

Overload of New

I'm going on three weeks now of being in Oregon. I guess you could say reality is starting to hit. Everyone said that I was going to have "what have I done?!" moments...and they were right. I don't regret moving and I am very happy here. I think it's still just all the un knowns I face. I REALLY need a job. My job at my sisters store is coming to an end and I need something else soon. I'm doing all that I know to do to find a job and I know this is just a massive practical test in trust and faith. It's funny how you can tell people to just have faith and trust that God is gonna provide your needs. But until you are really in the situation yourself you don't fully understand just how hard it can be. I'm not allowing myself to stress about it all. I know it's gonna work out and I know God has got a plan for me. :)

I had coffee with a new friend today and it was awesome. She and I have a lot of things in common and it was just so nice to sit and talk with a stranger and just get to know each other. People say to me all the time that now that I moved I can be whoever I want to be, but I just want to be ME! I feel like I have been put into a certain mold back home and now I'm somewhere that no one knows me, no one knows about my bubble, or that I don't want to have kids, or that I hate spiders. These are all things that I can share with people because I choose too...not things that have come to define me. Does that make sense?

It's amazing to me how I went from totally comfortable, predictable life to....completely un comfortable un predictable life. But I'm just enjoying the experience and the challenge of putting myself out there to meet new people. It's been a challenge so far but I'm up for it! And still excited to see what happens next.

First Week

I left Colorado a week ago today! (almost exactly to the hour...weird). The road trip here will go down in history as one of the best trips of my life! We made it the first night to the last town in WY before the Utah border. We were so tired we passed out and then woke up bright and early and headed to Boise, ID. Along they way there was lots of singing in to water bottles and lots of giggles. Traveling with Erika has truly become one of the best things in my life. We have decided to make a trip together yearly.

We arrived in Boise and met up with a friend of ours we met on the plane when we flew to Florida together. Wow..what a night! Could possibly be the most fun night I have ever had! I'll spare the details...don't want to offend anyone or get Erika in trouble :) Let's just say I will never, ever forget that night!

Getting up the next day to finish off the drive was difficult to say the least. But we got on the road around 11 and passed into Oregon about 30 min later. We arrived into Hood River and went straight to my apartment! The very nice land lady was there and waiting for us and gave us the tour of the entire house.(it's a super old house that is broken up into 5 units) We unpacked my car (of course the day we arrive Oregon was in a full blown heat wave!) Then we huffed up the biggest hill I have seen in my life to say hello to my sister Brooke, brother-in-law Mike and niece Katie. I was wondering if Katie was going to remember me and she did :) It instantly warmed my heart! That night Erika and I walked downtown (it's one block down from my place) we got dinner and ice cream and did a little window shopping. We later went for a walk to explore Hood River and come across the park that hosts move in the park. That was a cool first night experience :)

Monday I had to drive Erika to the airport. On the way we stopped at a few water falls and did a hike back to one of them. I think she really got to see Oregon's beauty that day! After we said goodbye and I drove off from the airport all alone...it started to hit me...I LIVE HERE! I'm sure this is a realization that will hit me over the next few months.

I began working in my sisters store on Tuesday. I know everyone thinks it's hilarious that I of all people work in a lingerie store. I think it's almost poetic. This whole adventure is going to be full of putting me in situations that make me uncomfortable. I think working there is going to help me overcome a lot of my "issues" :) I'm so grateful that my sister has given me a job while I look for a more full time one!

So far the experience has been kind of like a dream. My place is great! Small but fits me perfectly! It's super close to my sisters house and I walk to work everyday. I have never lived alone and so far I LOVE IT! I have wanted to live alone for a long time and now I get to! (don't get me wrong...Sophie was the best roommate I could have possibly ever asked for!) I have huge windows that over look downtown and the river...it's truly like living in a postcard.

While Erika was here she was talking to my sister and she started to tear up cause she was just talking about how I have spent my whole life being a part of everyone else's families and now I get to be apart of MY family. I'm really excited to experience that for the first time :)

I'm sure that I'll have my moments of homesickness and "what have I done?!"...but so far they haven't come. I'm so looking forward to the things that this season holds for me. I'm still just trusting that the Lord is gonna provide a job and friends and a church. He has seen me this far...He won't leave me now!

To My Friends

There are no words to express how grateful I am for all of you. Your support during this entire experience so far has meant more to me then you ever know. I went to bed crying and woke up and the first thing I did was cry some more. But, I don’t cry because I’m sad, it’s cause I feel overwhelmed. The love that all of you have shown me is just really hitting me right now. I am excited for my adventure, but I need to stop having to say goodbye! I seriously don’t think I can handle saying it anymore.

Betty-you are like my sister. You have allowed me to become part of your family and I don’t know how I can ever thank you for that! We have so many great memories together…probably a highlight will always be the grocery store J I look forward to hearing about all the great things God has got for you during this season as well!

Safinia P- never could I have asked for a better roommate. You and I have been friends through it all and I feel like we just get closer every year. Of everyone I have said goodbye to yours was the most peaceful because I know that time or distance doesn’t affect our friendship. We have done it before, and we are just doing it again! Enjoy your adventure! Um…and expect many texts about jams we MUST download J

Kelly Belly- You I also know will always be there and nothing is gonna change between us. You and I have been through this many times and of everyone we have visited each other the most. So I hope your planning that trip! Watching you become a wife and mother has been such a joy! You took to them both better then I could have ever have dreamed. I can’t wait to meet your little guy and WHEN you get skype he can meet me too J

Korts- Haha just writing your name made me cry. I sometimes wonder how it is we became such great friends. But we did and I am SO grateful. You have become my best friend and I know we will remain that way for many many years. You have helped me through so many things and have always been there when I just need to talk or someone to hang out with. I’m gonna miss you and your family so much. Like ridiculously so. But we always have facebook! It is afterall how we became friends J There is some exciting things in store for you and I’m just waiting to hear what they are.

I could write all day. But these 4 ladies have given me the inspiration and the determination to pull this move off! I know this is just something I have to do. I have no idea what lies ahead but God said “go”…so here I go J

Last Day!

Today is my last day at work :) To say this job has been challenging would be a massive understatement. When people ask me why it's so bad and I say "my bosses are mean" or "they play the same George Straight CD over, and over, and over all day, everyday" they always look at me like I'm a wimp or something. It's just one of those places you have to work to understand the vibe that it is here. It's full of sick to my stomach feelings, and as my co-worker says "mind games!" BUT today is my last day! All week I haven't really been that excited...that all changed this morning! I woke up and first thing I did was prayed and asked the Lord to help me have a good attitude and go out of here on a positive note. Since I started working here and dreaming of my last day I have been determined to leave here in a good place. Well it's gonna happen. I'm gonna walk out that door knowing I have done my best. :)

On my last blog my sister wrote me a comment. It totally made me cry (ugh I cant seem to have a day without crying.) She is so right. I'm not moving to Timbuktu and as my other friend says "it's not like your dying, your moving." Again truth. I have been so focused on the what I'm leaving behind, not on what I'm heading towards. (Typical negative Nancy...I'm working on it!!) So as I leave this job behind and look forward to what the future holds I have decided to also stop being sad. I am a wallower...and enough is enough. No more sappy blogs about how I'm gonna miss my friends or Dad. It's all been said. Those things are still true, but I'm now gonna look forward to all the new and exciting things that are in store. Getting to know my sister and her family better is gonna be so great! I'm not even sure what all to expect but I think that is one of the joys of this whole thing. So...here is to making new memories!

Congratulations

My roommate Sophie and I have a banner in our living room that says "Congratulations!". We threw a party earlier this year and we put it up then. When we were cleaning up from the party we decided to leave it up because we both said "there is always something to celebrate!". It sounds silly, but that banner has actually come in very helpful.

This week has been an extreme roller coaster. I have been super happy, then super sad. I have never experienced such strong emotions so different at the same time. I have talked to several friends over the past few days and when I tell them I'm sad and just can't seem to shake it, they all encourage me to be excited about the adventure. And I always get back to being excited but then a few hours go by and the sadness sucks me in. I was doing better this week but then on Sunday I was sitting next to one of the most special people in my life and she looks at me and says "I'm really feeling emotional about you moving." I look over and there are just tears pouring down her face. Well of course I start crying (it's a good thing we were surrounded by people cause I probably would have full on balled). After that it just has been hard to recover! I knew people were going to miss me but seeing her actually crying just made it all seem so real for some reason.

All week I have been on this roller coaster. Then last night I hit another major dip, I started thinking about my dad being all alone. Bleh...it was bad. I had to go for a walk to try and clear my head, I tried praying that didn't really help (hey just being honest). So then I called in the big guns. I asked my best friend and best advice giver I know to talk things out with me. We texted back and forth for a while...and of course I felt better and less emotional. After talking with him I felt more excited and more like this was just part of the process God has got me for me in this season.

So after work I have been packing and I ran down stairs to get something and I look up and see "congratulations!" And I just smile. There truly is always something to celebrate. Even though I have been sad and slightly freaking out I can celebrate the fact that I have so much in my life to be thankful for! Amazing friends :) They have talked me off the ledge all week this week. I can celebrate the fact that I'm about to embark on the adventure of a life time! I have NO idea what awaits for me in Oregon but the only way I'm going to find out is if I suck it up and go! I'm thinking I'm taking that banner with me and hanging it in my apartment :)

Drowning

Do you ever feel like the best way to describe your week is that your drowning? You have done your best to stay above water but no matter what you do it keeps sucking you under. Yeah that has been my week. I'm not sure what the deal is. All week I just have been struggling with feeling so overwhelmingly sad that I just randomly break down and cry (it's happend while sitting at my desk at work, that is fun to explain to a co-worker.) Usually when I feel like this I can give myself a pep talk and I snap out of it pretty fast. Not this time. It just keeps looming over my head like an annoying bug. I can't really place what is upsetting me the most either...weird huh?
My Jonah blog was theraputic to write so I was thinking maybe if I sat down and wrote about the feelings I'm having I'll get some clarity as to what was going on. I cried all the way to work today. I hung out with some of my best most awesome friends last night and it got me sad of course thinking about moving and leaving them. 1 of my best friends already lives in California but it's still sad knowing I won't be here next time he comes and visits. I almost feel like I seem un grateful or un appreciative of the things I have here. Am I really willing to leave behind so many blessings that I have? People tell me all the time how blessed I am to have the friends I do, I KNOW this! Am I crazy for quitting a job that yes, I don't like, but that pays really well and truly isn't as bad as I have made it out to be? Am I nuts for moving out of a house that has been beyond perfect in a million ways? I don't even know my sister and I'm moving to live in a small town to get to know her better? Welcome to my brain...it's a scray place.

Driving to work today I think I figured out one of the biggest things that has me so emotional. I am a pretty insecure person, I have come along way, I used to think I was just completely worthless and now I think I'm pretty awesome. But, I still have fears that creep in. I'm worried about making friends and being lonely. I'm pretty good at not feeling lonley or bored here, I can usually find someone to hang out with or something to do to keep my mind busy. But once I arrive in Oregon that is all gonna change. I'm gonna have to put myself out there in ways I have never done before. The shy side of Louie is in for a real shock I'm afraid. I worry people won't like me, or they will find me annoying or whatever. Yes that is pretty 14 of me but it's the truth. I know this move has a lot of good things in store for me, but right now all the excited feelings are gone and just this looming sadness has set in. I know it will change and I know He has it all figured out. I just wish my emotional side would get on bored with knowing that.

Jonah

I really like Jonah. I feel like he is a realistic bible character. I don't know how many times God has told me to do something and I say "no!" and run in the other direction. And just like Jonah God has to put me through some semi un pleasant stuff to get back on the path he originally intended for me. When I was in bible school there were times I would REALLY not want to go to a meeting or a church service and my roommate Cassie would always call me "Jonah". I would always end up going to the meeting and of course they would be awesome and I would leave crying and totally feeling like that was right where I needed to be.
Well, I woke up having a major Jonah moment today. I woke up and realized I don't want to move to Oregon anymore. I have freaked myself about finances and making friends and driving my sister crazy...the list goes on! But as I was driving to work I just had to remind myself about my Jonah moments. Always when I freak out and don't want to do something but I suck it up and do it anyways cause I know I'm supposed to, it ALWAYS turns out better then I expected. So I'm moving. Ha! Even if the easier thing is to stay here. I gotta take the leap and avoid the whale at all costs :)

Friendships

11 “When Job's three friends, Eliphaz the Temanite, Bildad the Shuhite and Zophar the Naamathite, heard about all the troubles that had come upon him, they set out from their homes and met together by agreement to go and sympathize with him and comfort him. 12 When they saw him from a distance, they could hardly recognize him; they began to weep aloud, and they tore their robes and sprinkled dust on their heads. 13 Then they sat on the ground with him for seven days and seven nights. No one said a word to him, because they saw how great his suffering was.” Job 2:11-13


Friendships mean the world to me! I am not close with my family and so what I have as “family” is my friends. I spend holiday’s with friends, birthday’s, you name it. I’m so grateful that my friends families allow me to spend so much time with them. I put a lot of work in to my friendships.
I had a dinner party a few weeks back and there was one point when I looked around the table and said to myself “all 5 of these ladies could call me their best friend and I could call them mine.” The problem with being how I am is that I put a lot of work and time in to my relationships. And sometimes (most times) that effort is not returned. This is something I have had to come to terms with. Being a single girl I have the time. I don’t have a million commitments with family or husbands or boyfriends. It’s just me. I can go where I want when I want. So this leaves me the time to put the effort into my friendships. It took me a long time to see this and not get upset with my friends for not having time for me.
I think we all are guilty of this. Friends should be friends no matter what. Yes, it’s nice to have friends that are in your exact situation. Single, married, kids, no kids, tall, short..the list could go on. Job’s friends didn’t go to him cause they were all the same, they went to morn with him cause they were his friends and loved him.
Friends are there for each other no matter what. I know lately I have whined about not having single friends. And for that I am sorry. I don’t want to sound un grateful or un appreciative of the friends I have. So I may not be able to relate to my mom friends, or married friends, but they are still my friends. I would do anything for them. I want to be like Job’s friends and drop everything I was doing to go comfort my friend.

Leap of Faith

My adventure begins in a little over 6 weeks. When I made the decision to move in April I thought August was SO far away….it’s coming up faster than I expected. I shouldn’t really say when I “finally decided” cause it was more like when I finally just said “yes”. I have been thinking/praying about moving to Oregon for the past 2 years. But it’s a big step. Other than when I moved to Texas for bible school I have never been away from my family and friends. This is something I have to do. I can just feel that. I am not going to say I’m not nervous or sad about the adventure, but I know if I don’t do it, one day I’m gonna say “I wish I had taken the leap and moved!” I’m all about living with no regrets!
When people ask me why I’m moving I think they expect me to say “for a job” or “I met a boy” or “God descended on a cloud and said I should”….but when I answer “just cause” I usually get kind of a blank stare. But it’s the truth. I spent many hours praying about it and never got a loud and clear “yes”. I could just feel it was something I needed to do. (I know we are not supposed to go by our feelings and blah, blah…hear what I’m saying). The number 1 thing that has always kept me here has been my friends. They are my family. My dad is my best friend and always will be, no matter where I move I know we are going to be close, and yes leaving him is going to be the hardest part, but I know he will be fine. My friends are different. Growing up I always found my identity in them. I always cared (too much) what they thought of me and the things I wanted to do. In a way I have let my relationships with them hold me back. Now the majority of them have families and are living their lives, while I feel like I’m on the sideline watching their lives happen. I’m bored. I have a very busy social life, but I’m still bored. I feel like my life is going no where. This is my own fault mind you. I know moving to Oregon isn’t going to solve all my problems but its going to be full of so many experiences I won’t have if I stay here. I have no job lined up and I sort of have a place to live. If anyone knows me just a little bit, you know I’m a planner! This is scary for me big time. But I woke up this morning and the first thing I thought of was finances and how I’m going to pull this off and a quiet voice just said to me “I’ve got you, I have never let you down in the past have I?”...of course the answer to that question is a capital “NO”.
I have never had to look for a church. I grew up in the same one and when I went to Texas the bible school and church were basically the same thing. This is something I want to do. I’m very thankful for the things my church has given me over the years here, but it’s just one of the things I need to leave behind.
The relationships I have built over the years through going to my church will remain. I’m confidant of that. But, I have never had to make friends. I have had the same group of friends my entire life. Words can not express how grateful I am for that and how that has resulted in those people being my family, not my friends. Growing up I was always the shy/quiet girl. After moving to Texas I realized I really wasn’t all that shy or quiet, but I think because that is what I had been defined as for so many years that was what I believed myself to be. After getting away from the people that knew me for so long I found out I was someone different. People grow and they change, and I fear that if we are always around the same people in the same environment we don’t really get the opportunities we need.
I’m sure this is just the first of many blog’s on this subject!

Vegas!

Wow what a whirlwind of a trip! We left Friday night after work and got to our hotel around 9pm. We managed to stand in line at the wrong hotel for about 30 minutes and then got directed to where we really needed to go. When we arrived at the hotel they couldn't find our reservation. I would be lying if I said I didn't get a little nervous. After they made several phone calls and checked a million places they still couldn't find the reservation. All this time I was just praying "Lord please just let this work out." They decide to just let us stay and we could call our travel company in the morning and get it all figured out. Well then she says she doesn't have any rooms still available. Ugh. So she asks her manager if she should just move us. And he says yes. We get on the elevator and realize that we are staying on the penthouse level...this of course makes us all start jumping up and down! (the Lord seriously answered my prayer) After we get to our room and take a million pictures we decided to change and head out to explore. (mind you it is close to 11 at this point and we all worked that day...but it's Vegas!) Vegas is kind of like a different world, the streets are covered with pictures of basically naked girls, people walking around with beers, some of the shortest dress I have ever seen...it's kind of overwhelming. It really made me realize how grateful I am tot be in that scene...we really didn't fit in and I think we were all ok with that. The next morning we got up and immediately hit the pool. This was amazing. We ordered food and drinks and sat their poolside just hanging out laying in the sun...vacation at it's truest!
I don't remember who suggested it...but we thought Chipotle would be a good idea for lunch. So we call the concierge who tells us it's located between two hotels (mind you each hotel is the size of an entire city block) we then begin our trek. We take the bus and get off where we thought it was...we were wrong. I then call chipotle and she tells me it is in between two completely different hotels...awesome. It's now 99 degrees outside and standing in the sun with 50 other people for the bus is just getting to be too much. So we decide to walk....and walk....and walk. After getting lost a handful of more times we found it!! It seriously was the best tasting chipotle I have ever had :) The thing I liked most about this experience is that even though we were REALLY hot (I loath being hot) we all remained in good moods, even though we kept getting lost none of got snippy or annoyed with one another we just pressed on....I thought that was awesome. Last time I was in Vegas I was 18 and the 4 of us got into a million fights the 4 days we were there. I think being older this time around made a huge difference :)
We spent the rest of our time being tourist, shopping, laughing making Hangover references. It truly was a trip I will never forget. Even though were out of place amongst the party crowd we enjoyed our time together and just had a great time! I don't think I will be going to Vegas again. It's fun to see and the hotels truly are amazing, but the excessiveness of it all is kind of ridiculous and un necessary. Maybe I have been one too many missions trips but it's kind of hard to enjoy the absolute spoiling that takes place there when you know there is just so much sadness and poverty elsewhere in the world....

Mommy-Ville

One of my good friends had a baby boy and after he was born she said to me “I think my mommy gene is broken.” I think my mommy gene is broken as well. When I go to visit my friends in the hospital after they have given birth my reaction isn’t “oh what a miracle! I can’t wait till it’s my turn”. My reaction is “I’m literally going to puke if I have to hear any more details of the pain, blood or placentas”. I have never wanted kids. Even my sister said to me that growing up I never wanted to pretend to be a mom, or play mommy. That actually made me feel better, because a lot of times I think something is wrong with me. 99% of my friends are mothers (or fathers) and they LOVE it! And they all say to me “when it’s your own kid it will be different”, I do believe them. But I also wonder why it’s so hard for people to believe me when I say I don’t want kids of my own? I love kids. I would love to be a teacher or own a day care. I enjoy playing with kids so much that sometimes that’s all I want to do. I think God gave me a gift of being good with kids. No one taught me what makes them laugh or how to discipline them, it just comes to me. I’ll be in the store and I kid you not 5 different little kids will wave to me. I think I have some sort of kid friendly aura. I don’t not want to be a mother because it freaks me out, ok well giving birth sounds awful, but I know I could do it. It’s just something I have no desire towards. Maybe I’m meant to be like Mother Teresa, she didn’t have any kids but her life’s work was children? Who knows! Trust me I’m not naive enough to say “I’m never having children”. Whatever God wants for me, I want and if it means having a kiddo then…bring it on!

Mommy-ville is an interesting place. I am always amazed at what moms can remember. They can remember when their child got their 4th tooth when they were only 6 months and 2 days old. And that their kid had a fever on the 2nd Tuesday in July! Seriously….I don’t get it. But I will say…being a mother is hands down the hardest job in the world. These women function with very little sleep and are responsible for every part of this little persons world…that sounds like an intense job to me! First let me just say I love my mom friends, but I fear if I don’t get out of mommy-ville soon…I may snap. I need single friends. I don’t think mom friends would want to only hang out with single people…I shall miss my friends more then anything when I move, and I will probably miss their children more then them (shh don’t tell them I said that) but it’s time for me to get out there and live my single life! As much fun as it has been being an “aunty” and getting to play with all the cute kiddos…I’m ready to experience a new season. I already know more about giving birth then any un married person should know! Let me tell you…..it doesn’t sound like a good time! I will end by saying that if the Lord wills and one day I become a mother (just typing that made me feel queasy) I don’t want to hear the “I told you so” chorus to ring!

Finally on the blog train!

Wow...I'm actually a blogger! Took me long enough! I was thinking I wanted to start doing one and when I decided to move to Oregon I figured why not do it now and write all about all the different things I'll be experiencing during this major change in my life. I'm so not a writer...I can't spell to save my life and I usually end up writing just like I talk, but ya know what? That is who I am. And if this blog is going to be about me then it's going to sound like me! I just hope I can focus my thoughts long enough to write one blog. I have lots of topics I would love to blog about, but I'm slightly concerned that I will offended people if I say what I'm really thinking. But again, this is my blog and I guess it's time to get honest and stop caring what people think. Ha! That could be a blog all in it's self. So....here is to blogging!